Why I'm Ok Being Called Self-Centered

I’ve realized a lot in the past few days. Mainly, that I have a tendency to be incredibly self-centered.

To cut myself a little slack, this isn’t an integral aspect of my personality. It’s more like …a bad habit. Yet, I’ve grown to ponder… “is being self-absorbed ALL bad”?

My last post on Loving Your Enemies is a pretty good example. You see, “Love your enemies” is part of my philosophical orientation.  For the most part, I hold a utopian view of the world. I’m an idealist.

I had zero intention of being preachy, but I realized that I was portraying my opinions as “fact”.  The example of how I utilize the “Love your enemy” ideology in my own life said a lot more then I intended to say. The underlying feelings of bitterness, anger, resentment and hurt were being projected loud and clear.  While I blab about others egocentrism, my underlying (unconscious) tone is just as apparent: “Blame”, “victimization”, “woah is me”, etc. etc.

Yes, these people did shitty things and hurt my feelings. No, they didn’t live up to my moral standards. But, I was writing from a one-dimensional perception. I was too preoccupied with my own (negative) emotions to see this.  Emotion clouds judgment, it hinders any chance of having an objective view. I played a role in the demise of the relationships mentioned.  Although my actions weren't malicious or intentional, I’m equally at fault.

Aside from the post, I was told that I was self-centered. 

Straight up, word for word.  At first it offended me, because “how could IIIIII be self-centered? I’m a kind, thoughtful, empathetic person.. I’m too busy bettering myself to be self-centered”.

Then, it hit me. If my main focus is on personal development, how could I NOT be self-centered?

We’re all preoccupied with ourselves to some extent. The degree depends on our temperament, personality, life experience, etc. etc. While self-reflection is a positive (in my book), one can’t possibly understand themselves with complete objection. Outside resources (friends, family, therapists, personality tests, etc.) help us see our persona, our characteristics out of conscious awareness…. and how the effect others.

I fit a Melancholic Temperament to the T. I have an inherent tendency to become self-centered from time to time.  Not in a selfish, narcissistic way, but in a “im-ruled-by-my-emotions-and-get-lost-in-deep-analytical-self-reflective thought” kind of way.

I’m glad my self-centeredness was brought to my attention.  Now that I’m aware of how I affect others at times, I can step back and change it. 

Aside from the heightened self-awareness that “insult” provided me, I also realized being self-centered isn’t that bad.  It often has a negative connotation, but it CAN be viewed as a positive attribute. 

There’s a huge difference between “selfish” and “self-centered". Centering is what you base your life on. The focus of some peoples lives may be “work”, or “their spouse”, “their children”. My life has centered on someone, or something else many times. Throughout those periods, I felt little control over my circumstances; my happiness laid in the hands of other things. This resulted only in instability and dependence.

The more we work on ourselves, the more apt we are to gain independence. Being independent and strengthening character helps us grow, and help others grow as well.   

Selfish people are always self-centered, but those who are self-centered aren’t always selfish. 

When the focus is on bettering yourself, you’re able to care for yourself; in turn, care for others. The desire to help and care for the well-being of others is what, I think, separates the two terms.  A selfish person is concerned with him/herself.  Their desires take priority, regardless of who they may hurt. The selfish person cares primarily about himself, the self-centered person thinks primarily about himself.

The end things, do I think self-absorption is a positive characteristic?  Yes and no.  

It's okay to focus on yourself, to build your self-esteem and heighten well-being & self-awareness. It's okay to not put the needs of others before your own & become a door matt.   

It's not okay to think the world revolves around your thoughts and emotions. It's not okay to neglect others feelings and revolve every conversation around yourself.

The key is balance. What are your thoughts on self-centeredness?

Love Your Enemies

The most profound lessons I’ve learned have been disguised as difficult people.

How do I know this? Essentially, we are all reflections of one another. Another person’s actions have more to do with our reaction, than the action itself. When we have an issue with someone, it’s worthy to ask what it reflects within us that we dislike in the other person so much…

At large, human beings are ego-centric.  It’s easier to deem another person’s actions as “negative”, rather than examine our reaction.  Why does this make me feel this way? What is going on in their life to make them act this way? What does it say about me to put up with this type of behavior?

You see, if we all got along and everything was “hunky doory”, there would be no room for self-exploration, understanding & mastery.  We'd all just be cruising through life carefree.. with no desire to ponder outside the box. 

Personally, I find that challenging times, or even challenging people, are what help elevate our minds and souls. If we look at the law of duality, there is always a silver lining in any situation. Difficulties are not without advantages. Troublesome relationships are not without lessons.

I think it says a lot about someone, if they choose to hold on to grudges and anger. So, LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.  As difficult as it may be, it’s best to put yourself in their shoes. Here’s a prime example of how I have utilized this in my own life:

Over the past year, I have felt betrayed by several of my “friends”.  I went through quite a tumultuous relationship and was at the lowest point of my life.  My “partner” hurt me deeply, despite playing the victim and passing the blame of the demise of the relationship on me entirely.  This person took advantage of me in every single way possible. And I let him. It took me a while to remove myself from him emotionally and move on with my life.  Yet, the relationship still left scars that I'll never be able to get rid of. 

I’m not one to insist “FRIENDS SHOULDN’T BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX!” that’s just immaturity. But, the extent to which my ex hurt me is the grounds that I felt betrayal.  “Friends” would have the decency to not want anything to do with someone that deeply hurt their “friend”.  Yet, they continued to hang around him, go to the bar he worked at and, simultaneously, prove to me that they did not value ME or our friendships.

Over and over all I heard was, “It’s nothing personal” …. “we didn’t go to see him”... "that's where everyone goes".  For a while, I took it personally.  I was hurt, I was angry and I felt betrayed.

But then, I put myself in their shoes and it made me realize, It wasn’t anything personal.  It was a reflection of their egocentrism and selfishness. They didn't value me as a friend, nor care about my reaction or feelings. Do I want people like that in my life? Absolutely not.  I consider myself of a different tribe….

What does harboring anger towards others really do? What does it say about me? At the end of the day, this brings me to my original point; LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.  Because at the end of the day, they need it most....