Is Writing Saving or Destroying My Sanity?

I write ...a lot.


I’d be lying if I said I didn’t carve out at least an hour out of my day to draft some sort of essay, poem , story -HELL- even journal entry.  It appears as though some unequivocal need to express myself has taken predominance within all aspects of my life lately. At times I feel a bit mad, like a loose cannon. I have this over abundance of energy seemingly bleeding through my veins and I don’t know what to do with it.

Exercise, sex, drinking, literally NOTHING seems to maim this ever present cry, “to create,” from deep within me. All these pursuits are far too shallow and merely drain my energy. I have many friends and  plans for nearly each day/night, but they’re just exhausting me.

Truthfully, an internal, perennial discomfort between “normalcy”, “conformity” and “authenticity” is what’s driving me mad. I’m at a place, personally, where I want to challenge myself and hone the type of skills I once scoffed at. There’s nothing wrong with business savvy, I suppose, yet it’s a real struggle for me.

Each time I take 2 steps forward, it feels like I can’t help but take 5 backwards. It’s just so unnatural and stifling at times that I feel compelled to, “fuck up” as a way of rebelling against the system.  Ultimately, i’m really just defying myself, but I can’t stop myself once the wheels start turning.

I find myself doing the same thing with all my relationships at the moment as well.

Maybe, instead of self-sabotage i’m really just scared and protecting myself from external critique and failure. Hell, if I’m going to fail I want to be the one to kick my own ass down the flight of stairs. I’ve always been the type to internalize my pain, but I feel as thought I’m just disappointing and annoying people around me. If I hear another person tell me, “you’re too hard on yourself!” I may lose it.  They simply can not comprehend the motivation behind my “unrealistic” ideals, because they are not me. Only I know what I am capable of and know I am far removed from it at the moment. Perhaps, I’m where I am right now in order to adopt more humility... to build a sturdier foundation...  to become more open and adaptable, I don’t know.

This leads me to wonder whether thinking so fucking much and expressing myself are merely forms of escapism? Are these maladaptive, escapist tendencies so embedded in me that i’m sabotaging my own relationships and career out of ...mental laziness? I knew I was disconnected from myself, but I didn’t believe how much so... hm. Maybe I’ll just stop now before I fall down the rabbit hole once again.  I’ll end this with a short work I wrote a while back that seems suiting:

i’m content in the cocoon i’ve built

to be tortured by my own mind

because i refuse to believe

love is a burnt out city,
abandoned and dilapidated,
so desperate and alone
solitude does not suffocate,

but protects, the romantic imagination

Update Three Years Later

Truthfully, I could not tell you what led me back to this blog. Perhaps the den of self-depreciation I've wallowed in for the past few months finally lost it's allure. Oh, the irony of methodical thinking... Surely there must be some way to redirect my thoughts once I'm tempted to slide down a slippery slope into the introspective abyss?  It's not like the labyrinth is a fun place to be. Oh, on the contrary...

As of this very moment, I've decided to try this thing called, "not thinking so much and taking things at face value".

Hmm, well... this feels foreign and weird and yucky (yucky?), but to Hell with it. I suppose I am finally ready to get out of my head and out of my own way. As homey and cozy as Hotel Self-Sabotage has been, I'm certain that I have overstayed my welcome and no one wants to be ...that guy (or gal, for you social justice warriors out there).

I wish I could say there has been tremendous personal progress since last writing in this blog, but, unfortunately, nothing outlandish.  If anything, I became even more introspective and reclusive, which, granted, has been fantastic for my writing. There's something special about the, "Writer-Recluse Archetype" - just look at J.D. Salinger, Emily Dickinson, Emily Bronte...

This past September through April, I truly lived and breathed creative writing.

Nearly every moment of genuine happiness stemmed from bleeding my heart and soul into my work or from watching the poison leave my earthy body, drip by drip.  I felt such zest and vigor for life that passion seemed to seep from my pores. Life had color again and all I wanted to do was to pick up a paintbrush and paint my own technicolor portrait.

What is life without passion? Well, nothing other than a bland, colorless wasteland!

Unfortunately, I took this ideology to heart and deemed all things lacking passion as wastes of time. Negative. Shallow. Beneath me.

Oh, what a silly girl I am.

For the past three months, I have watched myself from above and laughed at my own stupidity whilst deeply enmeshed, trudging through it. Three months spent drowning in a tepid pool of self-perpetuated inertia. Truthfully, a prisoner of my own making. Ha! My psyche must have found comfort in pointing a finger and laughing at myself, as I simply can not imagine why else I'd let it go on for so long?

Well, for what it's worth, there have been many positives amidst the madness. I'm reprogramming myself to focus on such sentiments. More often than not, I've seen myself in many of the people around me - the majority being those that I genuinely like and respect. This sparks something within me, although I can't quite point my finger on what it is, but it makes me feel alive. Connection and recognition of the soul in another is a beautiful thing.

Yet, I spend an inordinate amount of time dissecting my relationships and analyzing other people's behavior. As always, I sought to make connections between seemingly unrelated things and figure out the root cause of others' actions. At times I have been guilty of questioning others motives when unnecessary.

This has become a bad habit and it's starting to hinder, rather than aid my growth.  The more I infringe my personal ideologies and "quest for knowledge" on others, the more I realize I'm pushing people away.

Have I really become this self-absorbed?

Sadly, yes, but today - or tonight, rather - marks a new day. A new habit. A new perspective. A new life.  With writing this, I hold myself accountable and can only shift my mind state towards the positive, the real and the now.

Idealism and reclusivity - the writers life - may be fun and all, but it's time I stop neglecting the other facets of my personality. At times I dislike that my personality is comprised of so many intricate layers, because it can get quite exhausting thinking about them... tending to them... nurturing them.... mastering them....

Time. What a gift.

Matcha Tea: What It Is & Why You Should Drink It

Drinking matcha tea is an easy way to add extraordinary health benefits to your diet. 10x more nutrient dense than traditional green tea, matchas potency supersedes regular tea by a long shot. Matcha is a stone ground, powdered green tea grown and produced in Japan . The tea leaves are grown in the shade, which increases its chlorophyll and L-Theanine content. Then, the leaves are carefully stone ground to produce a fine powder.

 The powder is not strained, so you’re consuming the entire leaf with each cup you drink.  In fact, you would need to drink 10 cups of green tea to match the potency of 1 cup of matcha.

Some of the health benefits of drinking matcha tea include improved mental alertness and clarity, stronger immune defense, and enhanced detoxification. Polyphenol and catechin-rich matcha promotes focus, relaxation, and has been found to help prevent a wide array of chronic diseases.

Benefits

Promotes Wakefulness, Enhances Mood & Mental Alertness

Matcha tea is unique because the process of shading and harvesting increases the content of L-Theanine, an amino acid that helps balance the caffeine. L-Theanine creates alpha brain waves, which are electrical frequencies between 8-13 hertz that are characterized by mental clarity, calm concentration and relaxed wakefulness. It’s similar to the feeling of slipping into a daydream, or awaking from a meditative state. Like all green tea, Matcha contains caffeine- sans jitters, crash and irritability. The caffeine binds to the teas catechins, flavonoid antioxidants found only in green tea. It releases slowly as the catechins metabolize: providing steady energy for 3-4 hours.

Fights Cancer & Disease

EGCg (epigallocatechin gallate) is a powerful antioxidant found in green tea.  Antioxidants fight infections, disease and prevent aging. Research has determined that ECGg helps specifically fight cancer. Catechins like EGC counteract the effects of free radicals, stop the progression of cancer cells and play an important role in maintaining a strong immune system. The oxygen radical absorbance capacity (ORAC) of matcha is 1573 units/per gram… this is 20x greater than blueberries (a well known antioxidant powerhouse). Matcha alone contains 137x more EGCg than regular green tea.

Aids Weight Loss

Matcha tea boosts metabolism and burns calories. EGCg has been shown to increase the rate of burning stored fat as energy, as well as decreasing the formation of new fat cells. Research has found catechins, particularly EGCg to enhance the body’s rate of calorie burning each day.  The antioxidant’s thermogenic properties increase the body’s metabolic rate, which is the number of calories you burn at rest daily. Thermogenisis may even result in more calories burned during exercise! Matcha tea may help reduce body fat as well. Chlorophyll, the green pigment found in green plants, increases the number of lipolytic enzymes that break down fatty acids in the liver.

Detoxifies the Body

Chlorophyll is a well known, effective blood purifier that helps to remove chemicals and heavy metals from the body.  Matcha has substantially higher chlorophyll content than other green teas. During production, the tea leaves are shaded from sunlight a few weeks before harvest.  This results in an increased production of chlorophyll in the plant, which is stored solar energy. The adhesive cellulose of chlorophylls cell wall sticks to the atoms of heavy metals and carries them out as waste. Chlorophyll also carries oxygen throughout the body, which helps cleanse your blood.

Low Self-Esteem: The Silent Killer

Fact: Stress has a detrimental impact on our body, mind state and overall well-being An over abundance of stress reeks havoc on our immune, endocrine, gastrointestinal and basically ALL physiological/biological systems. Our nervous systems are not wired to maintain inordinate "fight-or-flight" responses. Habitual, excessive and untreated stress can severely damage our bodies, minds and overall health.

Stress is indeed a "silent killer", but there may be something worse: low self-esteem. 

That may sound silly to some. Someone with low self-esteem may be depicted as quiet, passive or unconfident. The other side of the coin are the perfectionists, with flawless or even outrageous appearances. Low self-esteem may appear to be a personality, behavioral or emotional issue from the outside... 

Would you believe it if I told you that low self-esteem was worse for you than a chronic disease? 

Low self-esteem is not only detrimental to your happiness and wellbeing, it's cancer to your life. 

Self-esteem is the deep seated belief we hold about ourselves. We regard these beliefs as "the truth", as "fact" and act in accordance to those ideas. The "self" develops an internal belief of "who it is" from life experiences, particularly early childhood/adolescence when one is capable of self-awareness. Self-concepts are shaped by a combination of factors: social comparison, what we're told, things that happened to us, situations we experienced, etc. Negative or traumatic experiences, unstable upbringing, abandonment, abuse and conditioning often lead to the formation of low self-worth. 

It's normal to lack confidence sometimes, but those with genuine low self-esteem tend to share similar characteristics:

Is extremely critical of themselves and sometimes others 

Downplays or ignores their positive qualities 

Judges themselves to be inferior to their peers

Exaggerated concern with what others think/how they're perceived

Has negative, critical and self-sabotaging self talk

Assumes that luck plays a large role in their achievements and doesn’t give themselves credit 

Blames themselves when things go wrong 

Doesn’t believe a person who compliments them, can't accept compliments 

The constant comparisons, criticism, judgment, feelings of hopelessness, self-doubt, guilt, worthlessness, shame, disgust and pity are the core beliefs of those with low self-esteem. Such negative and self-critical thoughts will only attract such experiences into our lives. 

These habitual, deep seated thoughts/feelings/opinions are what prevent someone from living life to the fullest. Pessimism, judgment and lack of confidence are at the core of self-sabotage ...a "game" those with low self-esteem know all too well. 

Such ideals and feelings may induce anxiety, stress, depression, eating disorders, self harming or other mental disorders. 

Some people may choose to check out mentally or escape with drugs and alcohol. 

Some become compliant servants to their thoughts and neglect their wants/needs, ignore their health and prevent themselves from setting/pursuing goals. 

Many of us living in complacency aren't even aware that we are creating such a life. 

That right there is what makes low self-esteem so dangerous. It silently and pervasively spews it's venom in all areas of our lives, hindering vitality and well-being. 

Low self-esteem is a toxin than kills drive, dreams, ambition, confidence and authentic happiness. 

At the end of the day these "truths" are really just thoughts, more like habits. In order to change them, we must acknowledge our thoughts and accept them for what they are: opinions, negative self-talk, ideas. These passing thoughts are not who we are, they are not real. 

I've struggled with low self-esteem my whole life. For the first 19 years, I was a slave to my thoughts and negative self-view. I not only mindlessly lived out my self-fulfilling prophecies, I spent years escaping and numbing my thoughts with toxic relationships, drugs, alcohol and self destruction. I held a "woah is me" mentality and couldn't understand why life was so unfair.  

Essentially, my life experiences made me a "poster child" for an adult with low self-esteem. Yes, I was dealt a bad hand, but that doesn't make me less of a person or forced to live a mundane life, bound to my circumstances. Bad things happened to me, but my life doesn't have to be a reflection of them. 

Once I discovered meditation and mindfulness, I realized what I needed to do all along: listen to my thoughts. To stop running from what I didn't want to feel/hear, because acknowledging them was the first step to changing them.

We believe what we want to believe. 

Each time we engage in a self-monologue we have the CHOICE to believe what were "told". 

The mind is an extraordinarily powerful tool.  

I have ups and downs: spurts of positivity and drive, followed by bouts of cynicism and insecurity.  For the most part, I think this is just human nature. 

Eventually, I realize I'm doing a disservice to myself by becoming bored, (self) critical and neglecting my goals/wants/needs.... And it becomes time to replace the negative chatter with positive affirmations. 

So, right now I replace "I hate my job, I feel like a loser working somewhere unrelated to what I want to do/in a position where I'm overqualified" with "You are fortunate enough to have a steady job that gives you the freedom to work on your own business/school. It's stress-free and temporary while you develop and strengthen yourself/your business/client base". 

Replace "Everyone judges me and thinks I'm lazy & stupid" to "Who gives a shit what anyone thinks. I'm going to make the best out of what I have. Today I'll be the best version of me" 

Replace "I am drifting through life, I'm worthless and not good enough" with "I need to cut myself some slack, because I have overcome an incredible amount of adversity. I've pieced my life back together after hitting rock bottom. I am capable and will achieve my goals." 

Instead of being defensive, I will be humble and open minded. 

Instead of accentuating the negative, I will look at the positive. 

Instead of fearing critique and judgment, I will stop critiquing and judging myself. 

Unlike real diseases and cancers, these "silent killers" really have no power over us IF we choose to listen.... 

How to Clean Fruits & Veggies Thoroughly (And Naturally)

Don't spend money on expensive produce cleaners! When you're hungry, cleaning your fruits or veggies may seem like a burden. Unless you want to consume parasites, toxic residue, pesticides, or even bugs (yes, little buggies crawling around in between those grapes), you should probably wash your produce.

I used to just rinse my fruit under the faucet and think they were clean.

...Nope (see photo above)

If there's a residue, they're not clean. Cleaning produce is really easy and inexpensive.

All you need:

1/3 cup distilled white vinegar (or Apple Cider Vinegar)
1 cup spring water (preferably)
A bowl
Your produce

Directions:

Combine aprox 1:3 ratio of vinegar to water in bowl.  You could eye ball if you'd like.

Place produce in bowl and allow to sit, time depends on what you're cleaning! Berries, no more than 5-10 minutes.  Grapes need to be cleaned for longer, about 20 minutes.

Remove produce from bowl and rinse thoroughly with water. Lay out to dry.



So, does it really work?  Well the pictures speak for themselves: Just look at the nasty residue left over in the bowl from the grapes



What are Qualia?

Qualia, in short, are an individual’s subjective experience of something. Sometimes referred to as the “phenomenal properties” of experience, qualia are the ways things appear to each of us.  It is the subjective aspect of “mind”; what it’s like to have an experience (what we are aware of when see, hear, touch, taste or smell).

I may not be explaining this to the best of my ability, so for example: QUALIA would be the way you feel when you look at a red rose, compared to the way you feel looking at a pink rose; the way you feel when you hurt your leg vs. the way you feel when you hurt your toe; the way you react to jumping into a pool of cold water vs. warm water.

My threshold for pain varies from yours, along with the way I see the roses & react to different temperatures. Each experience is entirely subjective.  The qualia of these experiences are what set them apart, what gives each of them their “feel”.

Originally believed to be of philosophical orientation, qualia have gained momentum in an array of scientific fields. With that, it has also gained a great deal of surrounding controversy. Like Consciousness itself, it is believed by some to be qualitative. Yet, for qualia to be accepted with legitimacy by the scientific community, “subjective” and “phenomenal” experience must be technically defined.  The idea of quale itself is such an important philosophical topic, as it’s a true example of the metaphysical chasm between mind and body. 

Many believe there is no such thing as quale at all (Dennett, D.C., 1988; 2005).  Molecular biologist & chemist, A.G. Cairns, writes about the nature of consciousness in Evolving the Mind.  I really found this to be a “difficult” book, as I hold a more open & philosophical orientation towards life in general. I also don’t necessarily agree with many of his theories, for example, that consciousness is physical and ever evolving …which he also believes to be the case with qualia (feelings of pain or hunger are adaptive).  Many other cognitive scientists believe there must be a physic-chemical cause of qualia. 

But, could it be that some things simply cannot be understood and explained by the human mind?  Are humans even THAT evolved?  Personally, Im not much of a believer in anthropocentrism.  Human beings are one of TRILLIONS of conscious beings scattered throughout our vast universe.  I believe in panpsychism, or non-duality; that consciousness is a universal component (in varying degrees) of ALL things. 

Physician and scholar, good ol' Deepak Chopra, believes that all qualia emerge from the same fundamental, base-line field of consciousness.  He argues that consciousness is a field of perception each of us are born with. Birth begins one person’s quale, while death ends it.  Qualia are not by any means evolutionary, but specific to each individual. Our subjective realities make up a large “box” of qualia.

I’m fascinated by qualia and all things related to consciousness and perception.  These are the things I think about when people ask if I’m “bored” or “day dreaming” lately.......  Hopefully I can touch upon this topic in future posts, once o research and truly delve into the nature of qualia a bit more....

Why I'm Ok Being Called Self-Centered

I’ve realized a lot in the past few days. Mainly, that I have a tendency to be incredibly self-centered.

To cut myself a little slack, this isn’t an integral aspect of my personality. It’s more like …a bad habit. Yet, I’ve grown to ponder… “is being self-absorbed ALL bad”?

My last post on Loving Your Enemies is a pretty good example. You see, “Love your enemies” is part of my philosophical orientation.  For the most part, I hold a utopian view of the world. I’m an idealist.

I had zero intention of being preachy, but I realized that I was portraying my opinions as “fact”.  The example of how I utilize the “Love your enemy” ideology in my own life said a lot more then I intended to say. The underlying feelings of bitterness, anger, resentment and hurt were being projected loud and clear.  While I blab about others egocentrism, my underlying (unconscious) tone is just as apparent: “Blame”, “victimization”, “woah is me”, etc. etc.

Yes, these people did shitty things and hurt my feelings. No, they didn’t live up to my moral standards. But, I was writing from a one-dimensional perception. I was too preoccupied with my own (negative) emotions to see this.  Emotion clouds judgment, it hinders any chance of having an objective view. I played a role in the demise of the relationships mentioned.  Although my actions weren't malicious or intentional, I’m equally at fault.

Aside from the post, I was told that I was self-centered. 

Straight up, word for word.  At first it offended me, because “how could IIIIII be self-centered? I’m a kind, thoughtful, empathetic person.. I’m too busy bettering myself to be self-centered”.

Then, it hit me. If my main focus is on personal development, how could I NOT be self-centered?

We’re all preoccupied with ourselves to some extent. The degree depends on our temperament, personality, life experience, etc. etc. While self-reflection is a positive (in my book), one can’t possibly understand themselves with complete objection. Outside resources (friends, family, therapists, personality tests, etc.) help us see our persona, our characteristics out of conscious awareness…. and how the effect others.

I fit a Melancholic Temperament to the T. I have an inherent tendency to become self-centered from time to time.  Not in a selfish, narcissistic way, but in a “im-ruled-by-my-emotions-and-get-lost-in-deep-analytical-self-reflective thought” kind of way.

I’m glad my self-centeredness was brought to my attention.  Now that I’m aware of how I affect others at times, I can step back and change it. 

Aside from the heightened self-awareness that “insult” provided me, I also realized being self-centered isn’t that bad.  It often has a negative connotation, but it CAN be viewed as a positive attribute. 

There’s a huge difference between “selfish” and “self-centered". Centering is what you base your life on. The focus of some peoples lives may be “work”, or “their spouse”, “their children”. My life has centered on someone, or something else many times. Throughout those periods, I felt little control over my circumstances; my happiness laid in the hands of other things. This resulted only in instability and dependence.

The more we work on ourselves, the more apt we are to gain independence. Being independent and strengthening character helps us grow, and help others grow as well.   

Selfish people are always self-centered, but those who are self-centered aren’t always selfish. 

When the focus is on bettering yourself, you’re able to care for yourself; in turn, care for others. The desire to help and care for the well-being of others is what, I think, separates the two terms.  A selfish person is concerned with him/herself.  Their desires take priority, regardless of who they may hurt. The selfish person cares primarily about himself, the self-centered person thinks primarily about himself.

The end things, do I think self-absorption is a positive characteristic?  Yes and no.  

It's okay to focus on yourself, to build your self-esteem and heighten well-being & self-awareness. It's okay to not put the needs of others before your own & become a door matt.   

It's not okay to think the world revolves around your thoughts and emotions. It's not okay to neglect others feelings and revolve every conversation around yourself.

The key is balance. What are your thoughts on self-centeredness?