Why I'm Ok Being Called Self-Centered

I’ve realized a lot in the past few days. Mainly, that I have a tendency to be incredibly self-centered.

To cut myself a little slack, this isn’t an integral aspect of my personality. It’s more like …a bad habit. Yet, I’ve grown to ponder… “is being self-absorbed ALL bad”?

My last post on Loving Your Enemies is a pretty good example. You see, “Love your enemies” is part of my philosophical orientation.  For the most part, I hold a utopian view of the world. I’m an idealist.

I had zero intention of being preachy, but I realized that I was portraying my opinions as “fact”.  The example of how I utilize the “Love your enemy” ideology in my own life said a lot more then I intended to say. The underlying feelings of bitterness, anger, resentment and hurt were being projected loud and clear.  While I blab about others egocentrism, my underlying (unconscious) tone is just as apparent: “Blame”, “victimization”, “woah is me”, etc. etc.

Yes, these people did shitty things and hurt my feelings. No, they didn’t live up to my moral standards. But, I was writing from a one-dimensional perception. I was too preoccupied with my own (negative) emotions to see this.  Emotion clouds judgment, it hinders any chance of having an objective view. I played a role in the demise of the relationships mentioned.  Although my actions weren't malicious or intentional, I’m equally at fault.

Aside from the post, I was told that I was self-centered. 

Straight up, word for word.  At first it offended me, because “how could IIIIII be self-centered? I’m a kind, thoughtful, empathetic person.. I’m too busy bettering myself to be self-centered”.

Then, it hit me. If my main focus is on personal development, how could I NOT be self-centered?

We’re all preoccupied with ourselves to some extent. The degree depends on our temperament, personality, life experience, etc. etc. While self-reflection is a positive (in my book), one can’t possibly understand themselves with complete objection. Outside resources (friends, family, therapists, personality tests, etc.) help us see our persona, our characteristics out of conscious awareness…. and how the effect others.

I fit a Melancholic Temperament to the T. I have an inherent tendency to become self-centered from time to time.  Not in a selfish, narcissistic way, but in a “im-ruled-by-my-emotions-and-get-lost-in-deep-analytical-self-reflective thought” kind of way.

I’m glad my self-centeredness was brought to my attention.  Now that I’m aware of how I affect others at times, I can step back and change it. 

Aside from the heightened self-awareness that “insult” provided me, I also realized being self-centered isn’t that bad.  It often has a negative connotation, but it CAN be viewed as a positive attribute. 

There’s a huge difference between “selfish” and “self-centered". Centering is what you base your life on. The focus of some peoples lives may be “work”, or “their spouse”, “their children”. My life has centered on someone, or something else many times. Throughout those periods, I felt little control over my circumstances; my happiness laid in the hands of other things. This resulted only in instability and dependence.

The more we work on ourselves, the more apt we are to gain independence. Being independent and strengthening character helps us grow, and help others grow as well.   

Selfish people are always self-centered, but those who are self-centered aren’t always selfish. 

When the focus is on bettering yourself, you’re able to care for yourself; in turn, care for others. The desire to help and care for the well-being of others is what, I think, separates the two terms.  A selfish person is concerned with him/herself.  Their desires take priority, regardless of who they may hurt. The selfish person cares primarily about himself, the self-centered person thinks primarily about himself.

The end things, do I think self-absorption is a positive characteristic?  Yes and no.  

It's okay to focus on yourself, to build your self-esteem and heighten well-being & self-awareness. It's okay to not put the needs of others before your own & become a door matt.   

It's not okay to think the world revolves around your thoughts and emotions. It's not okay to neglect others feelings and revolve every conversation around yourself.

The key is balance. What are your thoughts on self-centeredness?