Dealing with Manipulative People

No one has been exempt from a manipulative personality in their life. Sometimes the problem is actually realizing, or accepting, that you’re being manipulated.

Have you ever been in a situation where you 100% trust in your thoughts, voice and actions? After much contemplation, you’re confident that what you’re saying is the right thing, but somehow, you leave the situation perplexed by the unexpected outcome?  You feel bewildered and confused how you somehow adopted another person’s POW?

Manipulation- at its finest.

I never want to believe that I’m being manipulated, because I’m a genuine person and the idea of someone having control over my thoughts & emotions generates feelings of weakness within me.

Being manipulated doesn’t make you weak, or less capable or intelligent than the manipulator.  The manipulator is the weak one, having to tweak a situation to appease their selfish or distorted wants & needs. 

The worst part is that most manipulation is UNCONSCIOUS. Manipulative personalities lie to themselves on a regular basis, so they’re unable to decipher falsity from truth. They don’t live in the world that most of us live in, because we’re able to take accountability, accept things for what they are, not control, etc. etc.

EVERYONE is manipulative to some degree. It’s the people that are oblivious to their actions that are an issue, or that get a sick thrill out of distorting another person’s reality, or manipulate everyone and everything in their lives.  

These are the psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, deeply hurt and mentally ill people in the world.   

They’re usually the people that are “normal”, while you are “wrong” or “crazy”. This is projection and denial. They believe their own lies, so obviously integrity is not something most chronic manipulators, or addicts, consciously possess. 

This is sad, because most of the time pure hearted people find themselves trying to win a manipulators approval. 

Because, manipulators are PERFECT! They are right and you are incorrect, no matter what. Accept this now, before you’re driven mad by their minimization, denial, rationalization, personal exceptionalism and gas lighting.


Alcoholism is no stranger to my family, so I know all too well how the mind of a manipulative alcoholic works. The problem is getting sucked into their mind games, enabling them and neglecting your own happiness.


These people are the Kings and Queens of minimizing the cognitive dissonance they feel every day.  The will of addiction is BLIND and most alcoholics refuse to accept that they have a problem. Alcoholics, or really anyone who chooses to live in a world of self-pity and victimization. 

Everything is always everyone else's fault, their, “poor me” attitude is how they rationalize their manipulation and addiction. They blame everyone for everything bad in their life, instead of taking accountability. 

Addiction is the disease of denial, which goes hand in hand with manipulation.

My advice for dealing with these types of people? 

KEEP A HEALTHY DISTANCE FROM THEM.

Remove them from your life, if absolutely necessary.

Stop enabling them and accept them for who they are, instead of the lie they want you to believe.

Stop believing words, believe actions.

Believe the way a person makes you feel.

You can’t FIX anyone unless they want to fix themselves.   

Your happiness doesn’t deserve to come in second place to the manipulative person, or people, in your life.


Sometimes giving tough love is the most difficult thing, because this person does NOT think there is anything wrong with them. So they will essentially take it personally, switch it on you to look like the irrational bad guy, use this as a reason to continue bad behavior, etc. 

Sometimes we don't know how to give tough love, and wind up hurting the other person.

I have spent too long feeling guilt and shame for things that I shouldn’t have.  Sometimes people will minimize your desires, because deep down they know they are incapable of giving you what you need.  I don’t care anymore, I’m done accepting less than what I deserve and blaming myself for the actions of others.  

I get irrationally angry at the people in my life, because sometimes it feels like I’m climbing up a never ending hill. It’s exhausting, but I neglect to realize that I don’t have to walk up the hill if I don’t want to. 

The solution is so simple; I’m not sure why I complicate and participate in undesirable things for so long.

Maybe my will is distorted because I’m being manipulated.

Just because your pain is understandable, doesn’t mean your behavior is acceptable

 

This quote really struck a chord with me. I’m not proud of it, but I am someone who will justify and make excuses for behavior (my own and that of others). I easily empathize and understand where the behavior stems from, so I generally accept it.  

“For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”. 

More often than not we react to emotional pain in negative, damaging ways. Thus, the cycle of hurt and pain continues. 

It takes VERY little self-awareness or thought to project our feelings onto others and play the victim.

In a sense it’s almost a natural reaction. We unconsciously, or even consciously, take our hardships out on those around us. (“we” is a bit of a generalization. I admire those who effortlessly respond to pain effectively.)

This is something I am trying to master. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, because it takes TIME to change a paradigm so deeply imbedded in the mind. Life would be a lot less complicated if it wasn’t so easy to get stuck in these “response patterns”. 

Instead of expressing our feelings and addressing our issues, we get angry or defensive or insecure or flee and shut down.  The hurt is real, but that does not mean we have to try to protect ourselves from it by acting out and sometimes hurting those around us. 

“Hurt people hurt people”. I have kept that quote in mind quite often when dealing with people throughout my life. 

I have learned that it’s okay to sympathize and feel for them, but it’s not an obligation to accept their negative behavior just because you understand where it’s coming from. 

I am also learning that I cannot expect people to cater to MY feelings 24/7.    

We all have hardships – that’s life. We’re not responsible for who has hurt us, but we are responsible for how we choose to behave. How we respond to pain decides whether we continue to hurt or heal.   

Essentially, we’re trying to protect ourselves from hurt by shutting down, becoming angry, critical, mean, abusive, etc. 

In actuality, we are just protecting the hurt. 

Behaving in such ways merely deflects the pain that we do not want to feel, that we do not want to address. 

I think the only way to become free from pain is to honor it. Honor it and take the steps to learn how to react to it productively.  

I believe this is one of the most difficult things one can do in their life. It may even take an entire lifetime to muster up the strength, tenacity, willpower, and bravery to face our inner demons & hurt. Paradoxically, we may spend our entire lifetimes RUNNING from them.  

 Life is crazy isn’t it? 

Over the past few years I’ve learned a lot, but the hard part is actually implementing these things into my life. 

Everyone is fighting their own battles and NO ONE is obligated to put up with your shit. It’s hard to realize this if you’re constantly surrounded by people who enable your negative behavior.   

We’re human, we all slip up, but I refuse to let my hardships define my life and the person that I am.