Dealing with Manipulative People

No one has been exempt from a manipulative personality in their life. Sometimes the problem is actually realizing, or accepting, that you’re being manipulated.

Have you ever been in a situation where you 100% trust in your thoughts, voice and actions? After much contemplation, you’re confident that what you’re saying is the right thing, but somehow, you leave the situation perplexed by the unexpected outcome?  You feel bewildered and confused how you somehow adopted another person’s POW?

Manipulation- at its finest.

I never want to believe that I’m being manipulated, because I’m a genuine person and the idea of someone having control over my thoughts & emotions generates feelings of weakness within me.

Being manipulated doesn’t make you weak, or less capable or intelligent than the manipulator.  The manipulator is the weak one, having to tweak a situation to appease their selfish or distorted wants & needs. 

The worst part is that most manipulation is UNCONSCIOUS. Manipulative personalities lie to themselves on a regular basis, so they’re unable to decipher falsity from truth. They don’t live in the world that most of us live in, because we’re able to take accountability, accept things for what they are, not control, etc. etc.

EVERYONE is manipulative to some degree. It’s the people that are oblivious to their actions that are an issue, or that get a sick thrill out of distorting another person’s reality, or manipulate everyone and everything in their lives.  

These are the psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, deeply hurt and mentally ill people in the world.   

They’re usually the people that are “normal”, while you are “wrong” or “crazy”. This is projection and denial. They believe their own lies, so obviously integrity is not something most chronic manipulators, or addicts, consciously possess. 

This is sad, because most of the time pure hearted people find themselves trying to win a manipulators approval. 

Because, manipulators are PERFECT! They are right and you are incorrect, no matter what. Accept this now, before you’re driven mad by their minimization, denial, rationalization, personal exceptionalism and gas lighting.


Alcoholism is no stranger to my family, so I know all too well how the mind of a manipulative alcoholic works. The problem is getting sucked into their mind games, enabling them and neglecting your own happiness.


These people are the Kings and Queens of minimizing the cognitive dissonance they feel every day.  The will of addiction is BLIND and most alcoholics refuse to accept that they have a problem. Alcoholics, or really anyone who chooses to live in a world of self-pity and victimization. 

Everything is always everyone else's fault, their, “poor me” attitude is how they rationalize their manipulation and addiction. They blame everyone for everything bad in their life, instead of taking accountability. 

Addiction is the disease of denial, which goes hand in hand with manipulation.

My advice for dealing with these types of people? 

KEEP A HEALTHY DISTANCE FROM THEM.

Remove them from your life, if absolutely necessary.

Stop enabling them and accept them for who they are, instead of the lie they want you to believe.

Stop believing words, believe actions.

Believe the way a person makes you feel.

You can’t FIX anyone unless they want to fix themselves.   

Your happiness doesn’t deserve to come in second place to the manipulative person, or people, in your life.


Sometimes giving tough love is the most difficult thing, because this person does NOT think there is anything wrong with them. So they will essentially take it personally, switch it on you to look like the irrational bad guy, use this as a reason to continue bad behavior, etc. 

Sometimes we don't know how to give tough love, and wind up hurting the other person.

I have spent too long feeling guilt and shame for things that I shouldn’t have.  Sometimes people will minimize your desires, because deep down they know they are incapable of giving you what you need.  I don’t care anymore, I’m done accepting less than what I deserve and blaming myself for the actions of others.  

I get irrationally angry at the people in my life, because sometimes it feels like I’m climbing up a never ending hill. It’s exhausting, but I neglect to realize that I don’t have to walk up the hill if I don’t want to. 

The solution is so simple; I’m not sure why I complicate and participate in undesirable things for so long.

Maybe my will is distorted because I’m being manipulated.

Just because your pain is understandable, doesn’t mean your behavior is acceptable

 

This quote really struck a chord with me. I’m not proud of it, but I am someone who will justify and make excuses for behavior (my own and that of others). I easily empathize and understand where the behavior stems from, so I generally accept it.  

“For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”. 

More often than not we react to emotional pain in negative, damaging ways. Thus, the cycle of hurt and pain continues. 

It takes VERY little self-awareness or thought to project our feelings onto others and play the victim.

In a sense it’s almost a natural reaction. We unconsciously, or even consciously, take our hardships out on those around us. (“we” is a bit of a generalization. I admire those who effortlessly respond to pain effectively.)

This is something I am trying to master. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, because it takes TIME to change a paradigm so deeply imbedded in the mind. Life would be a lot less complicated if it wasn’t so easy to get stuck in these “response patterns”. 

Instead of expressing our feelings and addressing our issues, we get angry or defensive or insecure or flee and shut down.  The hurt is real, but that does not mean we have to try to protect ourselves from it by acting out and sometimes hurting those around us. 

“Hurt people hurt people”. I have kept that quote in mind quite often when dealing with people throughout my life. 

I have learned that it’s okay to sympathize and feel for them, but it’s not an obligation to accept their negative behavior just because you understand where it’s coming from. 

I am also learning that I cannot expect people to cater to MY feelings 24/7.    

We all have hardships – that’s life. We’re not responsible for who has hurt us, but we are responsible for how we choose to behave. How we respond to pain decides whether we continue to hurt or heal.   

Essentially, we’re trying to protect ourselves from hurt by shutting down, becoming angry, critical, mean, abusive, etc. 

In actuality, we are just protecting the hurt. 

Behaving in such ways merely deflects the pain that we do not want to feel, that we do not want to address. 

I think the only way to become free from pain is to honor it. Honor it and take the steps to learn how to react to it productively.  

I believe this is one of the most difficult things one can do in their life. It may even take an entire lifetime to muster up the strength, tenacity, willpower, and bravery to face our inner demons & hurt. Paradoxically, we may spend our entire lifetimes RUNNING from them.  

 Life is crazy isn’t it? 

Over the past few years I’ve learned a lot, but the hard part is actually implementing these things into my life. 

Everyone is fighting their own battles and NO ONE is obligated to put up with your shit. It’s hard to realize this if you’re constantly surrounded by people who enable your negative behavior.   

We’re human, we all slip up, but I refuse to let my hardships define my life and the person that I am.

In A Perfect World

Wouldn't life be so much easier if people, in the most general of terms, were more transparent?  If pride didn't bring speaking from the heart into question? If arrogance and denial didn't trump fear of vulnerability or pain?

People are always telling me that I "complicate" and "analyze" things too often. Perhaps I do and perhaps the eyes of many view this as a flaw. At the end of the day all I'm trying to do is simplify things.

Why can't everyone just be forthright with their expectations or desires?  

It'd save us a lot of time (or wasted time)

Is Ignorance Really Bliss?

Human beings. They're complex. We know this. Yet, there are few things I find more perplexing than the depth of the human mind. Do you ever stop to think that there are things the human mind, in all it's complexity and glory, are incapable of comprehending?

I once read a book that really struck a cord with me, The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark by Carl Sagan.

The gist of the book is that obviously science and pseudoscience are different, but if one takes it a step further, they're one in the same. The narrative places a strong emphasis on the importance of skepticism, rationalism and logic, yet undermines their validity in the grand scheme of things.

Science is a process toward truth - a truth which has yet to be obtained. The emphasis is placed on questions that can be disproved, NOT necessarily on the proven. This leads me to think, can we really prove anything? Or are our thought systems and knowledge ultimately rooted in belief? What are these beliefs based on? What role does our stage, or level, of consciousness play in shaping these ideologies?

We are all ignorant to some degree. Truly, only a fool knows “everything”.   

We live in an era where celebrities, drama, materialism, violence and hedonism (...well..... I don't hate it) are glorified. We are bombarded with fallacies, greed, selfishness, negativity, subliminal messaging and toxicity on a daily basis. Many of us are so out of sync with reality, it's almost comical, really.

So, should ignorance be demonized or celebrated?

Overall, do we live in a credulous society where the majority is incapable of critical thought? Why is this so? 

Well, Sagan believes it is due to a lack of skepticism and methodical thinking. Who has the time to *gasp* weigh out the possibilities and thinking for themselves? Not those looking for ~validity~, the "answer", the quick fix.  In a society that breeds mediocrity, it requires A LOT less effort to blindly believe what we're told to be true (Sagan places emphasis on popular pseudo-sciences and government, primarily). 

Is having faith in the unknown a show of bravery of laziness?

One of the major rules in life, at least my life, is that you cannot help anyone who does not want to help themselves. But how can one help himself/herself if the issues are out of conscious awareness? 

This is why knowledge is celebrated and regarded as truth.  We need it, because it’s apparent, proven and helps us to discover/solve problems. Oddly enough, not everyone wants it. Knowledge, or truth, may sometimes feel like a huge blow to the stomach and change our minds, even our lives, completely.

Most people don't like change, myself included. 

Yet, knowledge itself is forever evolving (this is why Sagan believes science and pseudo-science are one in the same, facts change over time). 

He claims science is a tool to "shed light on ignorance (the dark)", which I totally agree. But at the same time, not all ignorance is “dark” or negative.

I have found that during times of intense stress or turmoil, I have a tendency to rely more heavily on belief, or even blind faith.  Mysticism, paranormal, astrological and other pseudo-sciences tend to take center stage over logic and reason. I like them. They feel good.

I’m normally not even conscious of it, but it all makes sense once I look at myself objectively; 

I crave escapism!  I crave blindness to the overwhelming difficulties in my life! I crave the sense of contentment from being ignorant to reality. "I'm blind to X,Y,Z, therefore there is no effect on me".

Or what about those happy-go-lucky people that let things go over their head? The happy wife who is unaware of her husband cheating? The man who believes the government has his best interest in mind? The loyal employee who works his ass off under the false guise it's getting him somewhere?

So in a sense the saying is true, “ignorance is bliss” - to a degree and based on perspective.

What about, self-induced ignorance? 

Is this where the true meaning of, “stupidity”, is burried? Perhaps it's teetering on the banks of, “self-destruction” or, "self-sabotage", which are certainly my forté! 

It doesn’t have to be that way. That’s the beauty of truth, facts, rationalism, science and logic; they help us to see things for what they are NOT. My ignorance does not have to exist. 

Am I happier not knowing the truth? No, not really. It may feel like it, but it’s temporary, fleeting, and an escape. Truth can never be ignored. So essentially, ignorance IS and IS NOT bliss.

Whether ignorance is bliss or not, we can never answer the question empirically.

Even rationalism, logic and science cannot prove this as it's SUBJECTIVE! Rooted in BELIEF!

 The point I’m trying to make is WE KNOW NOTHING WITH CERTAINTY and that's the beauty of life. Some things can't be disputed, but we can acknowledge them for what they are and keep an open mind.

A Rant On Love/Relationships

What is it about "love" that makes even the most seemingly intelligent people act like moronic neanderthals? 

Love. 

Why are we so hungry for it? Are we that starved for the feeling that we'll accept being used, hurt and exploited by others? Why does all logic go out the window once we feel those warm, mushy feelings toward someone?

If you have the answers, fill me in, because I'm clueless.  I can only assume that we're all just trying to fill the emptiness deep within us.  We try to fill that void in a number of ways, but for some of us "reciprocated love" is the ultimate filling. I mean, there's no better feeling than being IN LOVE or even feeling loved by someone. 

...or maybe that's just me?

Yet, I find it amusing how easily "love" is confused with "attachment", "comfort", "dependency", "lust" and "infatuation". It's a shame how easily the L word is thrown around, especially to people who don't deserve it.

Speaking for myself, I believe that sharing (or rather, offering or giving) your love to another is the most selfless act one can commit. I'm not talking about a "Hey, I really like you, You're cute, Let's date, We've been together for x-amount-of-time so I must love you" kind of whirlwind thing. What I'm talking about is that true, unconditional love, rooted in authenticity and unplauged by denial or deceit.  Truthfully, I do believe this exists. When you truly love someone, your love for them is much grander than their, pitfalls, mistakes and flaws.  In fact, those things can't even diminish your love at the end of the day.

I'm not trying to imply that if your significant other treats you poorly, has serious issues, etc. you should accept their ill behavior, "because you LOVE them". Co-dependency ain't cute, ya'll.

I mean, once the anger/annoyance that their behavior may stir begins to subside, you realize that you STILL love them. You may not necessarily like the things they do, but your feelings for them never cease.

To love is to accept someone as they are. Acceptance is the framework for loving.

Hey, I may be delusional... Maybe just conditioned by society.... But I 100% believe in soul mates.

Do I think there's "The One" here on Earth for everyone?

No.

But I do believe we have, and will have, people that come into our lives that serve a significant purpose. That we feel connected to at the very core of our being. That shift our paradigm and teach us lessons. That help our souls grow and evolve. That are supposed to be part of our lives, for whatever reason it may be. Some of these "soul mates" may even hurt us, but they each serve a special purpose towards our overall GROWTH. There is something other-worldly about your connection, there's something more to it than what meets the eye.

Over the past few months, I've realized you can have a relationship with almost anyone if you really wanted it/were open enough. Once our guards are down, we may jump (actually, more like trip & stumble) into the "wrong" relationship.

Sometimes people just aren't compatible enough, despite how strongly they feel about each other.

If you find yourself "not loving" the person you "loved" once the relationship has ended, I don't believe you ever loved them in the first place. Love is not fleeting. Maybe the feelings were intense, but no...I don't think that's love. At least the type of love I strive for.

Love is seeing your partners flaws and inherent insecurities, but not judging them for them. "Judgment" "Mind games", "control", "power", "manipulation", "lies", "ultimatums", "one upmanship", "insults", "using" ARE NOT LOVE.

Someone who "loves" you for your looks, loves your looks. Not you.
Someone who "loves" you for what you do for them, loves what you do for them. Not you.
Someone who "loves" you only when you fit into their box, loves their ideal image of you. Not you.

When you find someone who loves you for the person that you are, you know it. And if you doubt it, they probably don't. "My love is not dependent on another" and sadly, with every relationship we ...or actually I... learn this the hard way.

I'm learning that it's better to love people from a distance, because maybe they just aren't ready/where you need them to be yet. Maybe you both need time to grow on your own before you should be together. Maybe the sole act of loving this human being, without reciprocation, is beautiful enough in itself.

But no matter how ugly they may act, you still see the beauty in them. No matter how many years go by, the sound of their name still makes your heart skip beats. No matter what has happened between you over time, you still hold that special place for them in your heart. Loving them feels good and loving them feels right. 

THAT is love.

You Are Not Your Thoughts

“Why do I do this”, “Why are we here”, “Who am I”, “Where did I come from”, “Why do I feel this way” are all questions that excite my curiosity.

I find few things more fascinating than the human mind – particularly perception, consciousness, the ideology of "Self" and personality. For whatever reason, I'm most drawn to the complexity, elusivity (or is it elusiveness?) and mystery surrounding these mental phenomena….

Blame it on my inquisitive nature, but I love figuring out “what makes people tick”.

Most people (myself included) go around letting their brain think whatever it wants. Since the thoughts are there, we believe them to be the truth. In turn, our thoughts influence our behavior and emotions. Most of the time, we are compliant servants to unconscious forces, our ego drives dominate.

Ego, in Jungian terms, refers to the "I", the central experience filter, the inner mental voice used to perceive the world.

The ego is just one facet of the mind, separate from our true "self" or "soul". It shapes our intellectual paradigm - the way we experience/explain/understand the world.

Our ego is not "good" or "bad", but has the potential to influence our overall Self-image.

A lot of us go our whole lives without realizing that we have self-identified strictly with our ego.  Often, it has been (dys) functionally programmed in response to early trauma (its role is to protect, defend, make us "happy", prevent "hurt").

We cling to the ego voice out of habit, so were unable to decipher defense mechanism from actual thought. (Falsity from Truth).

"I deserve this", "I need this", "I can't do this" are nothing more than flagrant lies that the Ego desperately wants us to believe. Most of the time these lies are programmed into subconscious awareness and we rarely acknowledge how they dictate our lives.

I'm a great believer in understanding the intricacies of people by psychological labels. It's a solid way to describe our complexities & uniqueness.

Anxiety, depression, personality and mental disorders are, in my opinion, often sprung from HABITUAL EGO THOUGHT.

*** In order to be happy, it's important to become conscious of, and be willing to change, whatever intellectual paradigm we are empowering !! ***

So how does one become aware of their thinking??

It’s as simple as quieting the mind, separating from thought, being in the here and now.

Meditation is a tool to see past the illusion of ego, and into the true nature of your mind.

Yes, it's tough at first. Especially since your ego thoughts have been strengthened through a lifetime of reiteration. But it's not impossible and once you get the hang of it, it’s quite easy. What’s difficult is putting in the time/effort to actually practice!

Meditating isn't for "hippies" or "New Agers", etc. It's for anyone with the desire to become more relaxed, in tune or self-aware.

Isn't it crazy that as human beings, we possess metacognition and the ability to self-actualize , but choose not to??

The way life is set up is ingenious, really. We suffer and suffer until even our EGO can't keep up with the suffering - and we eventually surrender to our true nature. Or we continue to resist suffering by listening to our ego and driving ourselves mad. That's my perception, based on my own experiences, at least.

I may not be the most credible in terms of “giving advice about the mind”, considering I’m often emotionally reactive and a regular slave to my feelings.  But, I do have the knowledge and the skills to move past that. It's really a choice, at the end of the day.

Sometimes it’s easier to believe the Ego, despite its negative & self-defeating talk. Habit is comfortable, no matter how debilitating that habit may be.

I am not perfect, I am not in any way “Zen” or a “guru”, but I am someone who see’s past the illusion. At least tries to. No matter how hard I try to resist or numb it, I am awakened. I am NOT my thoughts and neither are you.